Merry Christmas from Shinra Inc
by Negetive2digit
Summary: "Christmas?" Genesis raised an eyebrow. "Do you speak of that holiday that the people of the slums celebrate because they have no money and wish to fill the void?" Angeal tries to share a little holiday cheer with his best buddies. Will they respond?


**Ahh...yet another story that makes no sense. Since there's a bit of a lack of Christmas stuff involving the infamous trio, and because I randomly got a series of ideas, here is a story with senseless violence and a couple of odd jokes. Happy holidays.**

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It was a quiet winter night at the Shinra Building, and Genesis was sitting in an easy chair in the 1st class lounge on the SOLDIER floor, perusing his favorite book, LOVELESS, for what was literally the 3,453rd time. Across from him, his tall boots propped up on a foot stool, sat a silver-haired General, his best friend, Sephiroth, who was sipping quietly at a mug of hot cocoa as he unwound from his long day of…whatever it was that super-sexy guys with long, beautiful hair did in the army all day. Letting out a sigh of contentment, the man let the warm steam waft from the hot mug in his gloved hands and touch his features; his eyes were closed and his mouth in somewhat of a half-grin, if it were.

"Infinite in mystery…" Genesis read silently, also content with the quiet evening, though he wished Sephiroth hadn't scolded him so harshly the other day for reading aloud the greatest book ever-.

Both men were suddenly roused as loud singing began to permeate through the walls and then the door to the lounge burst open, smashing off the wall with a clang. Startled, Genesis accidentally chucked his book in the fireplace and Sephiroth's cocoa shot up in the air and splashed back down on his face. Both gave a yelp, for respective reasons, and one dove at the fireplace to save his precious literature while the other cursed and cast a Cure spell on his face, mending the defaced monument to awesomeness in a flash before any fans came to assault the building. The intruder, a man named Angeal, seemed not to notice his friends' plights and kept singing _"Deck the Halls"_ at the top of his lungs as he placed several wrapped parcels on the table opposite the fireplace.

"What the hell, Angeal?" Sephiroth snapped. "You better have a good reason for this!"

"I concur, my friend," Genesis was also miffed. "My LOVELESS has sustained fire damage!" Angeal finally stopped singing and turned around.

"Oh, I'm sorry," he said, propping the Buster Sword against the wall. "I was just singing Christmas carols and I guess I got carried away," he scratched the back of his head apologetically.

"Christmas?" Genesis raised an eyebrow. "Do you speak of that holiday that the people of the slums celebrate because they have no money and wish to fill the void?"

"Well…I was talking to a 2nd class, Zack Fair, yesterday and he seems to really follow the idea," Angeal replied. "And, being the SOLDIER 1st class, I figure we need a little peace on Gaia once in a while,"

"This better not be leading to a lecture," Sephiroth warned, reflexively tightening his grip on his sword in its sheath (Minerva knows where said sheath was…).

"My friend, your desire is the bringer of life, the Gift of the Goddess!" Genesis quoted, obviously meaning it as some sort of response.

"Genesis, I swear to Minerva, if you quote that play one more time, I will take a Dumbapple and chuck it at your head so hard that you'll have to re-memorize LOVELESS when your head returns from the trip," the silver-haired samurai threatened.

"How can you decry the greatest play ever written?" Genesis flared, brandishing his singed book in fury.

"Like this," Sephiroth took a deep breath. "LOVELESS sucks!"

"Guys…" Angeal said feebly as fists and leather flew, somehow knocking everything in the room, except the parcels, into the fire. "Guys…" Genesis bashed Sephiroth's head into a wall multiple times, causing fans everywhere to wince. "Guys…" Sephiroth somehow shaved Genesis's head with the Masamune. "GUYS!" They froze in mid-action as Genesis attempted to glue a clown mask to Sephiroth's face and looked at him. "We shouldn't fight on Christmas," They looked at each other for a minute.

"Nope, not a good enough excuse," Genesis said at last, reaffirming his attempts to glue the silly-looking mask over Sephiroth's awesome features. Said General quickly turned the tides and shoved the Masamune somewhere uncomfortable, earning himself a bunch of glue to the eyes.

Angeal, fed up with this, grabbed a comically big frying pan and hit them both round the head, promptly fixing their wagons.

When the two rivals woke up, they were at an outdoor enclosure of some sort, surrounded by pine trees.

"Where in the name of Minerva are we?" Genesis asked.

"Well," Sephiroth replied in a dangerously calm tone. "I would venture a guess but my eyes seem to be GLUED SHUT!"

"It looks to be some sort of tree farm," the red-clad poet deduced, ignoring his feisty compatriot.

"Looks like you guys are finally up!" Angeal came running up.

"Yeah…" Sephiroth faked a smile in a sarcastic fashion before frowning. "Now get me some glue remover so that I can kill a certain poetry-reading dullard,"

"Bring it on, Barbie!" Genesis retorted, getting booed by fan girls.

"Don't bring my shampoo into this!" Sephiroth snapped, flailing in the completely wrong direction from Genesis.

"Now, now, guys…we're here to buy a Christmas tree to decorate, not maim each other," Angeal patronized them gently.

"Very well, we seek it thus, and take to the skies!" Genesis grabbed Angeal's hand and ran off into the trees.

"Hey! Don't leave me-Oof!" Sephiroth smacked into a tree and knocked himself out, somehow making the glue fly off of his eyes in the process without taking out his eyelashes.

"Oh, how about this one!" Angeal said excitedly, pointing to a 23 meter-tall pine.

"My friend, your desire is the bringer of life, the Gift of the Goddess…" Genesis had his nose buried in his book and wasn't paying any attention at all. Angeal casually bopped him over the back of his head with the Buster Sword. "OW! What is it?" he rubbed his head and glared at his dark-haired friend.

"No, it's too tall, unless we want to put it in the lobby," Angeal muttered to himself. "The President wouldn't like that…" A Masamune suddenly flew by and speared a Dumbapple that Genesis had happened to be holding, pinning it to a tree.

"You guys better have a good reason for ditching me back there," one ticked-off General grumbled, walking up to the group.

"It was funny," Genesis replied honestly, a smirk crossing his features. The speared tree suddenly fell over on the poet, fixing his wagon quite effectively.

"So was that," Sephiroth chuckled, watching the leather-clad limbs flailing underneath the kilograms of wood.

"So it's settled, we'll get this one!" Angeal declared, unperturbed, as he ran off to give Pine Tree Joe (Chocobo Bill's cousin, oddly enough) 1200 Gil for the tree. They would later regret this in January, when they had no food, water, or power, but that was in the future and of no concern to this story.

"Ahh, my back!" Genesis whined pitifully as he and Sephiroth attempted to force the oversized tree through the door to the 1st Class quarters.

"Quit being a baby!" Sephiroth grunted, wondering why the hell he had agreed to help lug this useless hunk of wood all the way from Kalm, back to Midgar, up to the Shinra Building, smash it into the elevator and ride with it to the SOLDIER floor (sustaining appalling damage to his perfectly preened appearance), and try to force it though a door about a quarter of its diameter.

"Keep goin', guys, you're doing fine!" Angeal cheered from the sidelines. Sephiroth rolled his eyes and huffed as he twisted and turned the evergreen, but it stayed firmly wedged, halfway into the room.

"Oh, this is stupid," he finally declared after about ten minutes of this, dropping the tree.

"No, don't-AHHH!" a sickening crunching noise was heard inside the quarters but the General ignored it.

"Angeal, how do you honestly expect us to fit this through this door?" Sephiroth put a hand to his forehead, pinching his nose against his rapidly-forming headache.

"Hmm…" Angeal rubbed his chin. "Yeah, I guess we should've taken a tape measure with us,"

Random Lab Assistant 4 was enjoying the winter air outside when a tree came whizzing out of the SOLDIER floor at high velocity and flew towards him. He screamed and ran but it kept following him as it fell, eventually smashing him with a crunch. His limbs stuck out from underneath the trunk and twitched from time to time.

"All hail Sephiroth, huh?" Angeal clucked with disapproval. "Oh, well, Christmas isn't about the tree, anyway," He got an inflatable tree out of the closet and plugged it in. It inflated quickly, its lights flashing arbitrarily. Sephiroth's eye twitched.

"Even if the morrow is barren of promises, nothing shall forestall…my return…" Genesis coughed up some tinsel.

"Oh, sorry, Genesis!" Angeal cast a Curaga on his twitching, bleeding body. "I got caught up in the tree's splendor,"

"If you had this to begin with, what the hell was with the tree shopping?" Sephiroth growled as a nearby orchestra readied their instruments.

"Oh, that was just for friendly bonding!" Angeal waved his hand dismissively and turned around to look at the tree.

Kunsel and Luxiere had finally managed to get the tree off of RLA4 when a high-velocity Angeal came flying out of the SOLDIER floor. They screamed and ran away, at least the two that were able did, but he somehow homed in on them and smashed them with a crunch and an impact that shook the building.

"Merry Christmas, jerk," Genesis gave Sephiroth some hot cocoa.

"Merry Christmas, you son of a chocobo," Sephiroth replied, giving Genesis a walkman, some headphones, and a read-along of LOVELESS. They sat down in their slightly burnt easy chairs, by the fire, and enjoyed their presents in their own unique way.

Epilogue

_Hojo walked outside for his daily allowance of fresh air before getting back to his experiment-a-thon, but found four crushed and bleeding men laying there, twitching occasionally. A smile crossed his features at the sight of them. The kind of smile that would give the Grinch diarrhea and make the boogeyman shoot himself out of pure creeped-outedness…_

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_**Uh, oh...whatever he's got planned can't be good. Anyway, feel free to tell what you think of this little story. **


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